When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
