a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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