No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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