Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
