have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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