I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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