he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
