Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
