Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
