Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
