did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You can't special order awesome
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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