I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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