You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
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Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
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Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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