The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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