if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
