I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
