Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
