I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
