babies were throwing up all over the place
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
