I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
