Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
