Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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