two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
