We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
