My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
