I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
