My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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