I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
