Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
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