I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
