420 ftw
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
