If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
