this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dicks are not precious.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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