i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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