I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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