Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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