i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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