Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
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So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
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I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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