2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
