You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
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I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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