My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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