I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
