you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
