Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
