I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
