I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
