Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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