By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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