did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
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We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
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I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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