i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
