I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
