I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
