Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
