I'm jealous of your bromance
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
