I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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