i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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