dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
