Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
