Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do vagina's smell?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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