Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
