sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
