Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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