He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He better not be in your backpack
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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