I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's never too late to be topless.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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