you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
